Summer vacation is over, and the time to relax is therefore as well. And my neglect of this blog should be changed and it should be done something about.. Which I'll try! I'm honestly totally lost, when it comes to what topics I should write about. I want to write, and I love doing it, but right now I'm just a bit lost.. If there's anyone out there how would like to suggest a theme, a topic or something like that, feel free to do so in the comments! :-)
I've started my last year in the gymnasium, which means that at this time next year, I'll be all done with school.. For now. I have no idea if I want to start at university, or what I want to study, and when or where to do it. Basically I'm a bit lost - but when it comes to uni, I've been lost for a couple of years, so I've gotten used to it by now.
I am trying to sort things out, so that I can go to Australia for some time after I'm done in school - it's something I really want to do afterwards, because I want a break after having studied for 13 years of my then 19 years of life. - And because I've always dreamt of going to Australia and experience all of the lovely country (even though 90% of the animals are indirectly trying to kill you..).
Last year in school went horrible when it comes to grades.. Of course I had some subjects I did very well in, but overall I dropped at least one grade - which sucked camel balls. Obviously this didn't just happen out of nowhere, it happened because I was 1) lacking overview and surplus to handle things 2) feeling like I wasn't good enough for school and my class 3) fighting myself and ended up convincing myself that I might as well just give up. I ended up pulling myself a bit together and saving a few of my grades in the last two months, so I didn't fall completely through - and in the one exam I went to last year (oral German), I got what's equivalent to an A+, so I didn't fall completely on my ass.
So during the summer holiday I have had some conversations with my parents and myself about what to do this year, to better myself and to help me gain some of the surplus I've felt I've lost during the last year. Time schedules dividing the time I have between school, boyfriend, friends, scouting and spare time in general, should help me gain overview over my life and give me more energy.
My parents' reactions have varied a lot - starting the summer vacation they were very upset with me and my grades, and were telling me how I should have done much better in school, how I wasn't living up to my potential and tried forcing me to get a tutor for some of the subjects where I didn't understand my teachers. Even though I now believe that their disappointment and anger was a reaction of being hurt on behalf of my future - their statements hurt me very much at the time, and I do still feel hurt from time to time, having a hard time believing that my own parents could say things like that to me - feeling they called me stupid and not good enough. That wasn't what they meant, but words are perceived differently when you are in a different mind-state.
After some conversations and long discussions during the summer, I was dreading the "family meeting" my mother had announced we were going to have, a few days before I should start school. I was really scared that it would be sort of a "slaughter" of me and just mocking and grinding me down to nothing. Despite my fears, the "meeting" actually went okay. My parents seemed much more supportive, and it actually seemed like they had "forgot the past" (as I had begged them to do in tears a couple of times during the fights we had had in the summer) and they were finally ready to move on, and look forward and try to see what could be done to help me back up on my feet.
After that meeting I feel like my parents are actually with me and not against me, which is really something I need to get through this year, and not die, or go down with stress in the process. I feel supported now, and I feel much more ready to take on this year, and come out as a victor!
I hope you guys haven't died reading this, apparently I felt like it was a good thing to get off my chest, and also to start off with.
(Did you notice the number #298 in the title? That's a new thing I'm trying to do, just for fun - and then we'll see how I like it)
Cheers!
