#305: Letting out some air

I just need to let some air out..

Being imperfect can be very liberating, and not giving a fuck can feel unrealistically awesome. But being who you are, might also cause some people to not like you. I have often experienced this; having people not like me, even though I've never actually done actively done anything to make them dislike me. Sometimes these people just stays out of your way, and keeps their dislike to themselves and/or their friends. I'm okay with that. You may dislike me, but as long as you don't bother me or any of my friends, I often don't give a flying fuck - which is how it should always be. Because fuck those who do not like you for you!

Today I encountered one of the rare things, an indirect message of dislike. I have had to calm a bit down, because what happened really upset me, but I'll write how I first perceived it. I am in my final year in this school, which I believe is approximately equivalent to high school, and we are writing year-books. I have had some really bad experiences with people writing my yearbook. In middle school most people in my class didn't really care for me and mostly just let the bullies do their thing. My two best friends were writing my page in the book with the class as well, and "reported" back some of the thing the others had wanted to write in my yearbook. Anyway, the girls saved me for most of it - but that "memory" have been returning to me for some time now.

The yearbook is written electronically, and then printed, and everybody in the class can access and edit your page. Of course you're not supposed to look at your own page, but being totally paranoid, I got my mum to read it, just to see if there was anything "horrible". Even though I was worried, I trust the three people "in charge" of my page, to not have written anything terrible, but when my mum read the "Good to know.." section, I could tell on her face that something was weird. Indeed;

"If you want to be friends with her, just talk about her boobs!"

Ouch.. My first impression was that this comment was made in some sort of "evil" intention to hurt me, or to tell me that "I don't like you!". I texted one of the people who was in charge, and was reassured that that comment had indeed been added to my page after they were done editing it. At first, as mentioned, I took this as an indirect message of dislike, and I felt really low. I know you're not supposed to let these things get to you, but it did. The thing is, someone in my class have written that comment. A person from the class of people whom I all consider my friends, on some level. I felt disgusted, sad and frustrated. I was so upset, partly because it felt like there was this one person, or several perhaps, who saw me as nothing but boobs. It was horrible. My boobs are quite big, and therefor naturally quite a big part of who I am, and I like my boobs - but to think that someone who you consider a friend sees you as nothing but a big pair of boobs? Horrible. I am just a pair of big boobs! I am a person! With a personality! Sigh.

That comment really got to me, and it sucked. I just stared at it, got angry and stared more at it. I was trying to figure out who wrote it, but no one in particular came to my mind. My mother tried to soothe me. My father tried too - not necessarily very good, but he tried. My mum said that it was probably "some flat-chested brat who's jealous of you" or "a guy who hasn't been allowed to touch, or is jealous of your boyfriend." It didn't really sink in, or help at first - but as mentioned I've "calmed down" by now. 

My dear boyfriend is sure that it was meant as a joke, or at least not written with "evil" intentions, and I hope he's right. It feels like everyone but me is taking it very lightly, and it's hard to feel like this, especially when I don't want it to get to me, and I just want to forget it. If this really is meant as a joke I cant help but feel that is is a really crappy joke.. Sure, it could "work" if it was in a conversation of something, where you could read facial expressions, and hear the tone of voice to help you decode the "sender's" intentions. But when it's written down that is very hard to do. I kind of hope that it's "just" a joke that I've taken very seriously - I can't really handle the prospect of having some people in my own class secretly loathe me and go behind my back in such a way. Ugh..

That is all the air I need to let out, I think. For me it helps to put my feelings into writing, and to "organize" my brain on the topic.. By the way I made some hashtags on a Instagram post I made. Translated, my two favorites are;

#TheyreFineAndTheyreMine

#HoldingMyChinAndBoobiesUpHigh

See ya!

#304: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Hello again and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Hello again everyone, I hope the ones who celebrated new year had an amazing evening, whether you were staying in, or going out. I went to a party at one of friends' house with most of the people from my class and most from his class. I ate dinner with my parents and one of my dad's friends who was our guest for the evening. We had a three course meal, and the food was absolutely amazing! My parents and our guest had vine and champagne along with the food, whereas I only drank water, because I was driving my boyfriend and I for the party after dinner.

In Denmark we have a royal family, and we have our Queen. I'm not talking Tyler Oakly style queen here, no no, we have our queen Margrethe the 2nd. She is 74 years old and has been regent since 1972. Every year at 6PM on New Year's Eve she gives a speech from her home, broadcasted on the "national channel". She usually sends her greetings to the soldiers deployed, the people working on oil rigs in the sea and so on. Some of her messages change from year to year, kind of along with the "changing" of the political topics. The royal family is not to get involved in politics, but her annual speech is her way of commenting on it, without commenting - it's quite sneaky.

It is always nice to listen to the queen's speech. Families and friends usually gather around the tv, sit down with some champagne and what we call "kransekage", which is something special to Scandinavia - I haven't heard of it being eaten anywhere else. I'll post a picture of if, and maybe someone can tell me if it's anywhere else, and what it's called there? ;-)

After dinner I got dressed and went to pick up my boyfriend at his house. He was already slightly drunk, bur he kind of brushed it off. When I asked what he had had, it ran up to about two glasses of champagne, two glasses of wine, a White Russian or two and a shot - approximately. I couldn't help but laugh a bit about it, especially when the penny dropped, and he realised the reason(s) for him being drunk. I drove us to the party and we finally got there, even a bit late.

At 12 o'clock we went outside to see the fireworks and to drink our champagne. This new year was the first of hopefully many to come, that I spent with my lovely boyfriend. Standing almost alone and embracing him and being embraced on the sidewalk, watching the fireworks and drinking champagne together was almost magical. It's so damn cliché, but that little moment was amazing and I love that boy for the timing of the moment, and seven words that again, super cliché, made me smile a whole frikkin lot.

"Happy New Year's, my love. I love you!"

Seven simple words, and it made me glow for the rest of the evening. Cliché - I know.

Anyway.. The rest of the night was awesome, and I had so much fun with my lovely, crazy and amazing friends. Just like last year's party, I was one of the last people to hit the hay. I hadn't been drinking strong liquor for hours, so my buzz was naturally wearing off as my body was "digesting" the alcohol in my blood. My dear boyfriend, on the other hand, was still quite shitfaced. I had been at that stage earlier on, but he was still there, and being the very rational being that he his, he of course decided that the last 100ml of Jack D shouldn't go to waste, so he chugged it down. Yuk.

That decision turned out to be baaaaaaad.. It was around 7AM in the morning, and he was barely laying down before he decided that he needed to go occupy the downstairs bathroom. He told me to go sleep again, so I did (loving girlfriend right here.. ) ;-) He slept a bit in the bathroom, puked a bit and went back to sleep. When the house was woken up to get breakfast, he managed to climb up the stairs and forced a glass of juice down. That came up later.

I couldn't help but both feel like it was a lot of his own fault, asI had tried to stop him from chugging the Jack, without him listening - but I also felt a bit bad for him, as he is my dear boyfriend and I hate generally hate seeing people I care for being sick, hurting ect. I cared for him the best I could, and made sure he drank a bit of water from time to time, so he had something to puke up. 

A lot of the guests who had stayed the night at the house had left, so we were only 5-7 people to clean the entire house. That is (sadly) something we are used to, and we always have a good time anyway. The "5-7 people" is because a friend of the host joined us, the cleaning team, during the afternoon, and one of the boys tend to sleep forever, so he only got up for the last hour or something. While the rest of us was cleaning I checked up on my boyfriend, gave him water, and acted all Florence Nightingale in between cleaning up here and there.

As the afternoon progressed and the house was getting prettier, I intended to honour and agreement I made with one of the boys the previous night - to go get junkfood from McD. I went with my friend who I made the agreement with, we took orders from the others and went off. We returned with the food, and was almost greeted as heroes. While we had been gone my dear boyfriend had been sick again, the poor thing. I sat with him in the bathroom as he was sick, and after about half an hour he had had a nice long break, so I was going to take him home. 

I got the poor thing home, drove home myself, showered, ate dinner and went to bed. My new year's eve wasn't filled with drama, accidents or other not-so-good things like what happened a bit of last year, so for me it was an amazing night. 

I hope all of you had an amazing time celebrating the new year - and thanks for sticking with me, and my horribly long, and rare posts on this blog of mine! Thank you, and happy new year!!