I just need to let some air out..
Being imperfect can be very liberating, and not giving a fuck can feel unrealistically awesome. But being who you are, might also cause some people to not like you. I have often experienced this; having people not like me, even though I've never actually done actively done anything to make them dislike me. Sometimes these people just stays out of your way, and keeps their dislike to themselves and/or their friends. I'm okay with that. You may dislike me, but as long as you don't bother me or any of my friends, I often don't give a flying fuck - which is how it should always be. Because fuck those who do not like you for you!
Today I encountered one of the rare things, an indirect message of dislike. I have had to calm a bit down, because what happened really upset me, but I'll write how I first perceived it. I am in my final year in this school, which I believe is approximately equivalent to high school, and we are writing year-books. I have had some really bad experiences with people writing my yearbook. In middle school most people in my class didn't really care for me and mostly just let the bullies do their thing. My two best friends were writing my page in the book with the class as well, and "reported" back some of the thing the others had wanted to write in my yearbook. Anyway, the girls saved me for most of it - but that "memory" have been returning to me for some time now.
The yearbook is written electronically, and then printed, and everybody in the class can access and edit your page. Of course you're not supposed to look at your own page, but being totally paranoid, I got my mum to read it, just to see if there was anything "horrible". Even though I was worried, I trust the three people "in charge" of my page, to not have written anything terrible, but when my mum read the "Good to know.." section, I could tell on her face that something was weird. Indeed;
"If you want to be friends with her, just talk about her boobs!"
Ouch.. My first impression was that this comment was made in some sort of "evil" intention to hurt me, or to tell me that "I don't like you!". I texted one of the people who was in charge, and was reassured that that comment had indeed been added to my page after they were done editing it. At first, as mentioned, I took this as an indirect message of dislike, and I felt really low. I know you're not supposed to let these things get to you, but it did. The thing is, someone in my class have written that comment. A person from the class of people whom I all consider my friends, on some level. I felt disgusted, sad and frustrated. I was so upset, partly because it felt like there was this one person, or several perhaps, who saw me as nothing but boobs. It was horrible. My boobs are quite big, and therefor naturally quite a big part of who I am, and I like my boobs - but to think that someone who you consider a friend sees you as nothing but a big pair of boobs? Horrible. I am just a pair of big boobs! I am a person! With a personality! Sigh.
That comment really got to me, and it sucked. I just stared at it, got angry and stared more at it. I was trying to figure out who wrote it, but no one in particular came to my mind. My mother tried to soothe me. My father tried too - not necessarily very good, but he tried. My mum said that it was probably "some flat-chested brat who's jealous of you" or "a guy who hasn't been allowed to touch, or is jealous of your boyfriend." It didn't really sink in, or help at first - but as mentioned I've "calmed down" by now.
My dear boyfriend is sure that it was meant as a joke, or at least not written with "evil" intentions, and I hope he's right. It feels like everyone but me is taking it very lightly, and it's hard to feel like this, especially when I don't want it to get to me, and I just want to forget it. If this really is meant as a joke I cant help but feel that is is a really crappy joke.. Sure, it could "work" if it was in a conversation of something, where you could read facial expressions, and hear the tone of voice to help you decode the "sender's" intentions. But when it's written down that is very hard to do. I kind of hope that it's "just" a joke that I've taken very seriously - I can't really handle the prospect of having some people in my own class secretly loathe me and go behind my back in such a way. Ugh..
That is all the air I need to let out, I think. For me it helps to put my feelings into writing, and to "organize" my brain on the topic.. By the way I made some hashtags on a Instagram post I made. Translated, my two favorites are;
#TheyreFineAndTheyreMine
#HoldingMyChinAndBoobiesUpHigh
See ya!
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