Ehm.. I have a little problem with myself. Or my mind and mindset, to be more exactly.. I think a lot of people can relate to this, I hope actually, and I haven't pulled my ass together to write something on the blog for 14 days (two frikkin' weeks!), so I thought I would let you all int my brain again, and explain some of the madness going on right now ;-)
Right now I must admit to the fact that I am actually quite happy and pleased with the way my life is going. I have started school again, and it has been amazing to see all of these crazy fuckers in my class again, as well as all of my friends outside of class. It has been nice to get back in the everyday-rhythm, even though everyone could use a bit more vacation - of course! I have been writing a bit with this guy - and I am really enjoying it. Yes - it is flirty. Yes - he is lovely. Let's move on, okay? ;-)
So as you can tell, I am in quite a happy place right now, I have a great time with my friends and a week-long event with the scouts are coming up, so I am really in a good place. The problem is just that.. I do not seem to be able to let myself be as happy as I actually am, because karma and I have a history of me forgetting "her" and she then fuck shit up as a sort of payback. That is kind of my fear; that if I let myself feel happy and good right now, and don't think of the consequences, karma will come and fuck me up so badly that it will fucking hurt - again.
I don't know what would happen to me, what karma would do to fuck with my life, but I am sure that it would be enough to make me crumble. With that thought akways roaming around in my head, I don't really let myself be as happy as I could be. I know I seem extremely happy and I am, I just know that I could be happier - if it wasn't for me stopping myself.
It is such a fucking cliché and I am really tired of it. I feel like beating myself up every time I think of it, because I let it (a "it" that is mostly imaginary since "karma" has never been proven or actually defined as any kind of power that actually holds power that is scientifically proven. UGH!!) control the amount of happy I allow myself to be.
I know there are like, shitloads of small paragraphs here, but I still have more shit to spill..
So the problem is, that I am maybe not letting myself take the chances I would take otherwise, and that I might be holding back on great opportunities that passes me by. I am really grateful for this blog, it sort of works as therapy for me. I get to face my problems somehow.. I don't know if this makes any sence..?
As mentioned I am texting with this great guy, and I really want him.. And with the thought of karma I am just scared that I go and do some shit and lose him (God, sounds so dramatic..) before I have even had him. I don't know if it is ever going to be anything more that what it is.. And I am fine if it doesn't, but right now I just want him, and I want him to want me and not throw me to the trash.. I honestly have the lowest self esteem when it comes to that.. I sound really pathetic, but I don't care because this is my blog, and I can write what I want to! ;-)
So instead of being confident and cool around this.. Whatever it is.. With the boy, I feel insecure and scared that I fuck up, because I feel like I have already taken up the amount of happy I am allowed, so I destined to do something bad and fuck up. And it will hurt in some way. And I hate hurting. So I think I am restricting myself instead of letting go.. Shit man.. I need to get my shit together! ;-)
I am going to a party with some friends tomorrow, and I am sure that their company will listen my mood, if not them - not many things will. Good night, my bed is calling my name in lustful moans!
