Hi guys!
I am kind of getting into a grey zone right now.. My mood is going crazy, and it just feels like going uphill all the time. Different from ground school, this has nothing to do with any people acting like asses against me - and I am quite grateful for that! No,my problem is with me, how I see myself, and how I see the world around me (and also what people think of me!).
It is weird how my mood swing up and down. Some days I feel untouchable, nothing can get to me, I feel like flying! But other days I see no end to the darkness, I feel the world is against me (which I happen to know it isn't, duh), I feel trapped and caged in my self-created pit of despair. I really hate myself in these days - really, i can see no positive things in the mirror and I honestly just don't feel like living!
This is not some sort of suicidal post or anything - I just have to get it out, I can't bottle everything up like I'm used to, there is just too many things nowadays ;-) I haven't really told anyone, and now I am spilling everything here, it is really a weird feeling! But I just really felt like this, I think this might be one of those lousy "cries/screams for help" before this could be suicidal.. Well fuck me then... >_<
An example of mood swings is actually right now! I have been all exited and happy the entire day, then came our characters, and I was shit nervous.. The results came in, and I have an average of about a B. You might think it's silly but I am not at all satisfied! I know I have been sick for an entire month, but come on - I am not at all happy with this. This - of course - brought me down under the floor, and I hated myself for not doing it better! Now here in physics our teacher have been taking us out and evaluating us, and said I was doing great! That brought my spirits up, but now the feeling is clinging off, and I can feel myself going down again! Shit my life then..
Bye guys - Don't worry, I am not going to kill myself! ;)
-K
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